I am not sure where to start.

do people even still use tumblr anymore? I’m sure there are people who didn’t fall off like I did, but here I am again.

my thoughts are messy. very, very messy.

I am revisiting old memories like they are at a gravesite and I am their widow who can just attempt to fondly remember them.

I have been very numb to my emotions for years at this point, but I don’t want to be. it’s like I am able to see the emotions I should be able to feel… that I WANT to feel… and I am just screaming at the world through thick glass to allow me to feel things.

maybe losing my best friend two years ago desensitized me. maybe it was happening before that. maybe I’ve been lost for a while now.

I want to learn how to feel again. I want to feel sadness like it’s crushing me down. I want to feel joy like it is bursting through me. I want to simply feel again. more than anything, I want to just feel human again.

1. Time does not heal. Time makes you forget and does a good job of making memories blurry. Take healing into your own hands - don’t wait for someone else to do it.

2. Do not waste your I love you’s. The more you flaunt the word around to people you’ve just met and early lovers, the less it will mean when love really hits.

3. Create a list of things you want to do in life. I’m not talking about going to see the northern lights or visiting Hawaii. The little things that can be easy to accomplish such as: trying caviar, painting your room, and trying that new sushi place. Checking off the little things in life is the best self-esteem boost.

4. Always take the high road. If you’re working with rude people or someone has done wrong to you, do not stoop to their level. What’s goes around will come back around. Trust me.

5. Offer to help. People appreciate someone that genuinely wants to give a helping hand whether it’s setting the table or carrying heavy boxes.

6. Stop being hard on yourself. Who cares if you did not get an A on that test? Does it matter if you embarrassed yourself at lunch the other day? Move on. We’re only human.

7. Read more.

8. Be open minded. People who can not see past their own opinions do not go anywhere in life.

9. Accept your flaws.

10. Invest in yourself. Buy yourself that new art set, or new shoes, or order some good take out. The little things in life are often over looked, but they add up in the best ways.

today I missed your hugs. I do every day, but today a hug from you just sounded extra nice. my skin misses the warmth of your embrace just like my soul misses the warmth of your love.

a lot of days, I just sit around and miss you. it’s like my head can’t tell my body to leave my bed after I get home from work, so I continue to spend my evenings lying in my room and let my brain think and think.

I like to think about you and our friendship. I like think about all the memories we shared. I just like to have you in mind because it brings a little piece of you to life even when I know you’re not around anymore.

maybe I am coming to terms with the fact that you are gone. it’s taken me a long time, and it hasn’t hit me like a train like I thought it would. instead, the realization has just slowly creeped itself into my life.

every day I have to remind myself that you aren’t here. it stings every time I revisit the thought that you are gone, but I think it’s the only way that I am ever going to truly comprehend the fact that you’re gone.

I miss talking to you. I miss you giving me such a hard time. I miss getting to hear about your selfless acts of kindness. I miss getting to hear about your girl issues. I miss getting to think that I will get to hug you and laugh with you in a few months. I miss getting frustrated with you because you ditched a family event for a girl. I miss every little bit of you.

some days I feel selfish for being even the slightest bit happy, but I know that you would want me to be smiling and to keep going. some days I feel selfish for being sad, but I know that if you were still here you would just listen to all my thoughts and tell me that things get brighter. either way, I turn into my own worst enemy when it comes to giving myself a hard time for simply being human and feeling emotions and I know that you wouldn’t be too happy to see that.

today I sat on my balcony and talked to the sky, but every word I said was meant for you. it felt nice to let it out, even though it was very unconventional. I just needed to talk out loud to you instead of writing in a journal.

I am still trying to learn to live without you by my side. it’s hard. so very hard.

I think the thing that makes me the most sad some days is that I just want to talk about you. I want to be able to talk to dylan or even a stranger about how great you were. about how much I miss you. about how funny, loving, compassionate, selfless you were. but people don’t like to hear about the friend who is gone.it makes people uncomfortable, which I can kind of understand, but that’s seriously all I want to do. I just want to make the great parts of you and the memories we shared alive, even just for a moment. I want strangers to know how fantastic of a best friend you were. I want the people closest to me to be able to smile when I bring up a memory of us. if I can’t have you here, can I at least bring up all the best parts of the last seven years I got with you?

I know that this has just been a bunch of rambling and my thoughts have been everywhere. I don’t expect to look back at this and think it was beautifully written, because it honestly isn’t. it’s raw and I needed to get this all out of my head. I think that’s okay.

I miss you more than I could ever explain. these past five months have felt like an eternity but also only just a day without you here. I love you so so stinkin much best friend. always. 

I haven’t been on here in a while, but I really need to rant and let some feelings out, so I am going to go ahead and use this to do so.

overwhelmedbisexual:

why does she will be loved by maroon 5 make me feel……..like that

(via daddyfuckedme)